


The Anatomy of Crazy Love

by Mirgaxus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Muggle, Bipolar Disorder, M/M, Mental Health Issues, POV Remus Lupin, Self-help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-14 04:19:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16032839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mirgaxus/pseuds/Mirgaxus
Summary: Remus has an abusive relationship with his own brain, but he has developed counter strategies to deal with its attacks. Figuring out if he is being force fed Mania-Amortentia by himself, or actually falling in love, is just another day for him in his weird life.





	The Anatomy of Crazy Love

**Author's Note:**

> I said once that the one topic that I would never, ever touch in my fics would be 'bipolar' - because it's just something that is way too close and I can't write about it with enough objectivity.
> 
> However, lately I've started to feel the need to write about it. And in a way that is not all "FUCK THIS SHIT." 
> 
> So. Here you go.
> 
> Quotes at the start and the end are from the article "Is it LOVE, or is it MANIA?", from https://www.bphope.com/is-this-love-that-im-feeling/ 
> 
> It's a nice no-nonsense article about the topic, that I re-found, er, few hours ago, and was then inspired to weave into a story.

 

 

 

> _“With mania, you come to distrust your own emotions—there’s the risk that you’re getting carried away.”_

 

* * *

 

 

It’s always awkward at first.

 

“Hey,” says Remus and looks straight at his laptop screen, at his own face.

 

He figured out years ago, quite fast, that it’s too weird for him to a) look at the camera while recording, or b) have the camera recording himself in a way that would make his screen self seem to look straight back at him. He tried recording while looking completely elsewhere, ignoring both the camera and the video, but that ended up feeling even weirder than looking at the video while recording.

 

So, his web camera sits on top of a huge pile of books on the desk, the camera angle off in just the right way.

 

He looks at himself on the screen, with a second or so lag between what he does and what his pixel version does on the video. He bites his lip, and then promptly reminds himself to not to do it. It makes him look weird.

 

He takes a pen into his hand, to fiddle with something.

 

“Fuck this is always so awkward.”

 

He knows that he just has to start talking. It might always be awkward at the start, but when the ball gets rolling, it gets easier.

 

And these videos are too important to not to do.

 

“It’s September 14th, and the time is three am. I can’t sleep." He pauses and looks at the screen.

 

His hair is in disarray. His face looks bloated, tired. His eyes keep flicking around on video. His frown gives him wrinkles in forehead.

 

It’s always weird to look at himself looking at himself, looking at himself. He takes few deep breaths, and watches himself rolling his shoulders, getting rid of some of the tension.

 

“It’s always so mad to realize that this is an experience that the humankind couldn’t have had until only so recently,” he mulls aloud, and smiles - his three am self on video looks like a mad wannabe-professor. “And here I am capable of this with a cheap web camera, and a recycled laptop."

 

“Really gives a new meaning to the phrase of ‘talking to yourself’.”

 

He grimaces. Then he wishes he hadn’t, because it twists his face on video in an ugly way. “Wonder how many times I’ve said that. Just. It’s been years, but this is still so mad.”

 

He gets up and goes to get a glass of water.

 

“I know I’m stalling,” he says from the kitchen. “I’m sorry, future me, who is forced to watch this.”

 

When he gets back on couch, he smiles unhappily and glances straight at the camera, before looking back at the video.

 

“I can’t stop thinking about him. I feel such a creep. Dunno. Obsessed. Stupid. _Fuck,_ I’m so stupid. I thought this was all over, but…”

 

He looks at himself on the video. “I don’t even care if this is a real feeling or not. It doesn’t matter. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and it’s throwing all my rhythms off. Even if it’s ‘real’, it’s soon going to get into manic if this continues, just because it’s throwing my body and brain all haywire.”

 

He swallows. “And besides, it _doesn’t_ even matter whether or not it’s this time a feeling based on anything real, it would be bad idea anyway. So-”

 

He promptly stops the recording. He gathers himself, and goes to scroll through his extensive video diary gallery.

 

This is his routine; first, record a video, talk about whatever is the current big issue. Sometimes briefly, sometimes rambling away and going on tangents. Sometimes there were no big issues to work through, so he would just make a regular diary entry of what's going on in his life.

 

Then, watch chronologically through the videos of the last month all the way to the one recorded just a moment ago. Then, go further back in time and watch other videos where he is dealing with a similar issue, before, during, after. Observe. Compare.

 

_What is my state? How is it affecting my mind? Where am I sitting in cognitive functionality? How reliable narrator am I? Am I able to look at the big picture here?_

 

_What do I need to do? How do I need to handle this?_

 

It’s exhausting. It’s necessary. Without it, it’s way too easy to fall into the denial and conveniently forget about the warning signs. This is his lifeline, his way of feeling in control of situation, his way of seeking patterns and sense in the chaos. His way of preventing his life getting out of hand again.

 

 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/144171167@N04/44722316872/in/dateposted-public/)

 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/144171167@N04/44722316602/in/dateposted-public/)

 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/144171167@N04/44772187661/in/dateposted-public/)

 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/144171167@N04/44722316422/in/dateposted-public/)

 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/144171167@N04/44772187591/in/dateposted-public/)

 

Then, the second video.

 

He starts the recording again.

 

“Second part, September 14th. As I thought, it’s reeking of signs of either upcoming or already started mixed state back-and-forth. And I think I’m being way too hyper in last week’s video, I just didn’t want to admit it then. Time for ‘Back to Basics’. I’ll cancel the movie night tomorrow with others. I have to decrease the stimuli, and I gotta take some distance from Sirius. At least until I’ve got my sleep rhythm into somewhat better state. It’s… This looks exactly like what happened a two years ago.”

 

He hesitates, because he wants to stop there, but he has promised to himself to stay as honest as possible to himself, and to record any and all insights he gets, no matter how awkward it feels. “This… Whatever it is, well, it’s not a new thing, though. In hindsight it’s stupidly clear from the way I’m talking about him in January 5th clip, and I was in good state back then. So. Not all illness, I guess. Dunno if that makes it better or worse. But like I said in first part. Doesn’t matter. Fucking worst idea ever. Please, future me. Don’t do anything stupid and screw our friendship.”

 

He stops the recording, with the heavy feeling settling in the bottom of his stomach.

 

He sometimes gets bitter about this. How he has to comb through his feelings, inspect them, dissect them into pieces. How he can’t just _feel_ and let go and experience life as it happens. How he can't just chill and take it one day at the time, enjoy the moment.

 

No, for him something as normal human experience as _'oh fuck, I can't concentrate on my homework because I really, really can't stop thinking about Sirius's stupid face'_   is a call to arms, it's a sign to put the seat belt on in case there's a bumpy road coming up around the corner.

 

Sometimes he misses the simple days when he didn’t know better, when he wasn’t on the constant lookout for losing control. Then he remembers the chaos, the madness, the uncertainty, all the _'what the fuck is wrong with me and why am I like this and what is going on and what is happening'._ He knows it's better like this. He knows his life is as good as it is only because he is keeping himself responsible for his own actions.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

> _-functional magnetic resonance imaging shows that completely different areas of the brain’s emotional and reward systems rev up during mania than_ _during the rush of romantic love._
> 
> _For now, unfortunately, there’s no quick test to find out which sections of your cortex and limbic system are in play when you feel the giddy stirrings of l’amour. The only tool at hand is vigilance—weighing every behavior and feeling as a possible clinical symptom, however distasteful that may be._

**Author's Note:**

> Why this is from Remus's POV:
> 
> Sirius: Fucking tryhard. If I was bipolar, I'd just tell Prongs to hit me on head if I got too crazy  
> Sirius: smh @you  
> Remus: Why does it not surprise me that you don't see any problem with letting James be your 'voice of reason on what is sane behaviour'


End file.
